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^ie Donkey | 

The Elephant 1 

and The Goat 1 



At A Public Meeting 



By 
J>P. BUSCHLEN 



J8 



Price Twenty-five Cents S 

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(C)CI.O 55548 



ANNOUNCEMENT 



THIS playlet, by virtue of its simple 
rime, may perhaps claim a small 
share of that license granted to poets-, 
in assuming that the Goat may at this early 
stage of the game be taken as an emblem of 
the Farmers ' and Workers' political party, 
which is unfortunately not as yet quite a 
fact, nationally. 

The right to present this discussion as a 
play, for purposes of raising money, may be 
obtained only by writing to the author, in 
care of Box 1625, Great Falls, Montana. 
The right to present it free of charge, by 
way of assisting the farm and labor move- 
ment, is hereby granted everyone who is in 
possession of a copy of the printed booklet. 

THE AUTHOR. 
Great Falls, Montana, August, 1920. 
(Price Twenty-Five Cents.) 



Copyright, 1920, 

By J, P. BUSCHLEN 

For Sale at Box 1625, Great Falls, Mont. 



11 / i jl'J 



The Donkey , the Elephant 
and the Goat 

At A Public Meeting 



By J. P. Buschlen 



ELEPHANT 
You see me here, an elephant, 
A symbol of the mighty — 

DONKEY 

The while you listen to his cant 
Remember he is flighty. . . . 

I come to you, a donkey wise, 
With pedigree unlowly — 

ELEPHANT 

Beware this fellow's sleepy eyes 

And manner smooth and holy. . . . 
As Barnum used to say to me 

When oft we strolled together, 
"The people seem to like to be 

Led round upon a tether." 
And so, I see, I've got to speak 

With these unwholesome creatures, 
Since you, dear folks, have been so weak 

As to invite such preachers. 

DONKEY 
If I may but inject a word, 

I think it most plebe'an 
To class me with a goat. Absurd! 



GOAT 
A mule is always mean. 

ELEPHANT 

When P. T. bade me fond adieu, 

Good people, I departed 
To where I could be serving you 

More whole-and-single hearted; 
I packed my grip and trumpeted 

The news of my arrival, 
That you might follow where I led 

And join a great revival. 

DONKEY 

His boastful manner ill becomes 
A thing of such proportions. 

ELEPHANT 
I made this land a world of homes — 

GOAT 

And laws with strange contortions. 

DONKEY 
I do not wish to interpose, 

But, sir, you are addressing 
A body whom we may suppose 

Would call your death a blessing. 
If you could boast a lineage 

Like mine, you might be pardoned 
For occupying all the stage 

And holding views so hardened. 

GOAT 

I'm glad I'm but a simple goat 

With humble beard and f rocking; 
My people were of little note — 



ELEPHANT 

I think, sir, I was talking. 
And I would have it understood 

That I will put my prestige 
Against a Southern neighborhood, 

Or aught of Southern vestige. 
Besides, if Noah didn't lie, 

The morning he went arking, 
My wife and family and I 

Were also there, embarking. 
I'd grudge the honor to a goat, 

But this presumptive donkey, 
Although he gets the southern vote, 

Descended from a monkey. 

GOAT 

In view of what I've done to you 

I forego the distinction 
Of being dragged the ages through 

From ape to near-extinction. 

ELEPHANT 

If I would seem, as Mule implies, 

Inclined myself to flatter, 
Is not some credit due to size 

And to a good standpatter? 
Has not the jungle that I rule 

Been growing more efficient? 
Go ask most any knave or fool 

And get you proof sufficient! 

DONKEY 

You seem the fact to quite ignore, 
You tusky, trunky sinner, 

That I have been in power; what's more 
Will be again the winner. 



GOAT 

Come now, we'll get nowhere with this — 

Why not attack the issue, 
And tell the people how it is 

We're made of diff 'rent tissue ? 

DONKEY 

We are indeed, and that's a fact 
For which I'm truly grateful; 

ELEPHANT 

And so I am, to be exact. 

(Aside to D.) This goat is very hateful. 

DONKEY 

Your challenge, Goat, do I accept. 

I represent a party 
Which never through the years has slept 

And still is hale and hearty. 

GOAT 

How could it sleep when both its eyes 
Were flirting with the bosses? 

May not you later realize 

Your gains were often losses? . . . 

ELEPHANT 
If I may say a word or two 

About this great Republic: 
The party I have given you 

Has made it's actions public; 
No secret has it e'er denied 

The masses it protected. 

GOAT 

So ably has the rascal lied, 
The ass is quite dejected. 



ELEPHANT 
The best of old New England blood 

Within its veins is flowing; 
Its sons have fought for every good — 

GOAT 

Old grafter in the "showing." 

ELEPHANT 

When donkeys in the cotton states 

Were riding on the niggers 
We cancelled all their riding dates — 

GOAT 

And made them all blind-piggers. 

ELEPHANT 
We built a mighty commonwealth 

Against great opposition, 
Improving faith and moral health — 

DONKEY 

And fostering sedition! 
I think it's time for me to speak; 

In patriotic phrases: 
To sit in silence here were weak, 

The while himself he praises. 
The party that I represent 

And have the voice and manner 
To here so faithfully present, 

Has carried high its banner. 
From fine old Southern gentle stock 

Its stalwarts have arisen — 

GOAT 

To better populate the dock, 
The army and the prison. 

DONKEY 

We would have won the Civil War — 



GOAT 

Had Palmer then existed — 

DONKEY 

But several southerners were for 

The armies that resisted. 
For office we have never run 

A man who lacked in breeding, 
As these Republicans have done, 

Their low traditions heeding. 
And did not we, the Democrats, 

Win out against the German, 
When all the world was dogs and cats — ? 

GOAT 

And soldiers fought the vermin? 

ELEPHANT 

Good donkey, we have had enough 

Of your election wheezing; 
Besides, that ancient family-stuff 

Has got the goat, here, sneezing — 
And when a thing's too strong for one 

So strong for Townley jingo, 
I think it time that you had done 

With your disgusting lingo. 

GOAT 
Again I beg to urge you two 

That you confine your phrases 
To what you've done and aim to do 

To earn the people's praises. 

ELEPHANT 
I've done as much as one could wish 
Since Wilson ruled the nation — 

8 



DONKEY 
He shows the judgment of a fish 
In his absurd inflation. 

ELEPHANT 
All eyes are fixed on me, I say, 
Nor will I disappoint them; 
With thanks will I their faith repay — 

GOAT 

And oily words anoint them. 

ELEPHANT 

I'll bring' back Lincoln from the grave, 

Converting all the Palmers; 
The world for business will I save — 

GOAT 

And jail the blasted farmers. 

DONKEY 
When I again am called to reign, 

As I will be this autumn, 
I'll show you men of brawn and brain — 

GOAT 

Obeying them who bought 'em. 

DONKEY 

I'll rule with e'en a firmer hand 
Than you have seen me doing, 
And make the alien understand — 

GOAT 

His blood requires blueing. . . . 
Now look here, boys, the audience 

Is patiently awaiting 
A dozen facts, a little sense — 

You've done enough bull-baiting. 
Give them the thing you're standing for- 

They're standing for aplenty! — 



DONKEY 
I'd like to now discuss the war — 

ELEPHANT 

He rambles on like Henty! 

DONKEY 

We showed the flag to every land, 
We swept the boundless ocean, 

And yet we never showed our hand, 
Nor truckled to emotion. 

We made the foreigner behave, 

The mighty and the small; and 

We sent the Kaiser to his grave — 

GOAT 
I thought he was in Holland ? 

DONKEY 

We made the pacifists obey 

Our able war-directors, 
And handled things without delay — 

GOAT 

Especially war-objectors. 

ELEPHANT 
We grant you this to brag about, 
But when our party's saddled 
We'll give you ample room for doubt- 

GOAT 
On issues ably straddled. 

ELEPHANT 
I think you'll then admit that while 

You did what you were able, 
You lacked our more successful wile 

In keeping business stable. 

10 



GOAT 

Your windy generalities 

Have left the country gasping — 

DONKEY 

He's started in again to wheeze! 

ELEPHANT 

His voice is very rasping! 

GOAT 

You've camouflaged the issue, boys, 

As people are perceiving, 
With waving flags and vocal noise— 

ELEPHANT 
(To D.) His whiskers are deceiving! 

GOAT 

The cry is for a loaf of bread — 

You offer but a promise; 
The methods you employ are dead — 

DONKEY 

(To E.) He'd take our living from us! 

GOAT 

You're living in a day gone by, 

Oblivious of the present, 
While women weep and children die — 

ELEPHANT 
He's getting most unpleasant! 

GOAT 

The world is full of concrete needs, 
And this land's no exception, 

Of problems that will yield to deeds 
But never to deception. 

I've sat here list'ning to the views 

11 



That 3'ou have ventilated: 
Now maybe for the sake of news 

You'll hear my doctrine stated? 

DONKEY 

I cannot see how anything 

A billygoat might proffer 
Could any new idea bring? 

ELEPHANT 
'Tis not a legal offer. 

DONKEY 

And while about it might I say, 

I fail of comprehending 
Just why this meeting here today 

Has been so condescending 
As to invite, with you and me, 

Dear tusky friend, this creature 
So lacking in camaraderie 

And so uncouth of feature! 

ELEPHANT 

Indeed I cannot but agree, 

Dear Donkey, with your premise, 
And much I doubt that you should see 

Me weeping at his demise. 

GOAT 

Are these the gentlemen we saw 

So recently atussle, 
Inventing words, within the law, 

Each other's goat to hustle? 
How strange that at a word of mine 

They swing around together? 
You will, perhaps, recall a line 

That mentions "birds o' feather." 

12 



DONKEY 

The atmosphere is getting close — 

Will some one draw the curtain? 

ELEPHANT 

(Whispering) 

I wonder does he just suppose, 
Or does he know for certain? 

GOAT 

If I'm beyond your courtesy, 

I still have vocal powers, 
So lend those mighty ears to me 

For half a dozen hours. 
I know that I am but a goat 

All battered by the weather, 
But in this land I have a vote, 

And I won't sell it, ne'ther! 
I represent a class of men 

And women who have struggled 
Against the tide, while you have been 

"Retained" and dined and — juggled. 
While you and yours have raked the gold 

We've raked the burning stubble; 
While we lay frozen in the cold 

You froze our chances double. 
We went to you for years and years 

In bitter anguish pleading: 
You answered us with silent jeers 

And left us bruised and bleeding. 
As long as mortals could endure 

We stood your joint oppression, 
And then we sought and found a cure — 

Which now is your obsession. 

DONKEY 

A cure, he says, a cure — ha! ha! 
He means to say affliction! 

13 



ELEPHANT 

A goat can only bunt and bah, 
Its wisdom is a fiction! 

GOAT 

You see, you will not challenge me, 
You merely hurl invective; 

You fear the home-made guns that we 
Have turned on our objective. 

Well, be it so, I still can speak, 
As long as ears will listen, 

And give you facts to fill your beak, 

birds I cannot christen! 
Where I was born we give the farms 

And homes to those who need them; 
We have a method that disarms 

The man who would misdeed them. 
We make the law the advocate 

Of common people, mainly, 
By placing it beneath the state, 

Where it can serve humanely. 
We guard the tiller of the soil 

Before the speculator; 
The man who lives on others' toil 

We count a second-rater. 
The state is servant to the mass — 

1 don't go much on Nietzsche, 
And so the Elephant and Ass 

Are anxious to impeach me! 
But where, symbols of the wise 

In statesmanship and honor, 
Were nations ever known to rise 

Who catered to a donor? 
What people ever reached the heights 

Of art and all we cherish, 
By local threats and foreign fights? 

14 



Their fate is but to perish! 
The only thing that made this land 

As great as we have found it, 
Was justice to whatever band 

Saw fit to cluster round it. 
Our fathers met them at the shore, 

The stranger and wayfarer, 
And gave them all they asked, and more — 

Became their burden-bearer. 
But now how different it is! 

The timid voice that raises 
A feeble cry for what is his 

Gets hustled off to Blazes! 

DONKEY 

He very much exaggerates, 

And what atrocious wording! 

ELEPHANT 

He merely bellows, bahs and bleats — 
A habit formed in herding. 

GOAT 

The workers that I represent 

Are not of one vocation, 
But every one who earns, a cent 

Has there an invitation. 
The platform that we stand upon 

Is not a sheet of paper, 
A speech about the rosy dawn, 

A song of purple vapor; 
You'll find it in the farmer's home, 

And on the worker's table, 
Where mortgagers would like to come — 

If only they were able. 
You'll find it in the common school, 

The mine, the shop, the kitchen, 

15 



And where the wheats begun to stool, 

And Hi the Ford is hitchhV. 
You'll find it, Brother Elephant, 

In frigid North Dakota, 
Where "Frazier, Ladd and Townley can't 

Affect us one iota!" 
You'll find it, Donkey, on the flood, 

If you've a will to find it, 
And if your promises are good 

You'll get right in behind it! 

DONKEY 
(To the Elephant) 

The interview is at an end 
So far as I'm concerned. 

ELEPHANT 
(To the Donkey) 

And as for me, my dearest friend, 

The meeting is adjourned. 
(Donkey and Elephant shake hands and go 

offstage together.) 

GOAT 

Good citizens, the hour is late, 

And you are doubtless tired; 
I leave you to your bitter fate, 

Since Jack and Jill retired. 
But may I urge before you go: 

Preserve that sense of humor, 
For often it will serve to show 

The folly of a rumor! 
A laugh will often kill a lie, 

Where sermons fail completely; 
So let us laugh until we die — 

And even then smile sweetly. 

16 



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